25 things...

1. I believe that McCarthy was put on this earth to create beautiful literature exposing the hideous acts of humanity.

2. Even the idea of speaking to someone I don't really know scares me beyond reason.

3. I wish I had money to be fashionable...or...not to wear a sweatshirt every day of my life.

4. I refuse to be with someone who will not love me for who I am.

5. Each passing day, I realize more and more that I hate my major. I just want to make art...but you have to grow up, right?

6. I am most at peace at night, staring up at the stars, or underwater.

7. I miss my brother.

8. sometimes I have the urge to careen my car off the side of the road...but then again, who doesn't get that urge?

9. I believe one of the most attractive characteristics in a man is the ability to be compassionate and show it.

10. I believe I am an outcast in my own dorm building. which sucks. but I don't do anything to make it better.

11. I have made no real friends since moving, and it hurts. But I don't see that changing.

12. A few nights ago, it rained when I woke up at 3 am. So I went outside and laid down for an hour.

13. I will push you away if you get close.

14. I live inside my head.

15. I hate, with a passion, the color orange.

16. My dream in life is to own my own wedding-cake shop, and paint in my free time. It hurts to think that might never happen.

17. My puppy is freakin' awesome.

18. I roofed a house in 110 degree heat.

19. I have never really worked anywhere besides a coffee shop.

20. I will save a panda and live in China for at least a year.

21. When I was younger, I believed anything my brother told me...which was a bad thing to do.

22. If I could, I would live in an art studio and paint my life away.

23. I have no idea what I will be doing a year from now.

24. I think that Americans are some of the most disgusting people on the face of the earth.

25. I pray every night for fear that if I don't, I might lose someone I love.

PANDIE BEAR!!!

Awww...smiling yet?

how 'bout now?

sleepy panda...

silly panda!

These made my day.

So you know when your life is spiraling downward and you can't stop it. And no matter what you do, nothing ever changes. Nothing ever goes right. You may be blinded for a little while by the happy parts, but ultimately...it all falls to shambles.

Memories

flurries of desperation flutter before her.
tiny, ivory hands reach out,
a glow of hope radiates from her once naïve, green eyes.
she is blinded by the veil of youth.
they float, gently cascading around her body.
she cries with glee, her voice shattering the perfect still.
jumping, she grasps hold of one,
yet it vanishes as if on wings of soft pity.

a gasp. a tiny shiver. a slight feeling of loss.

her wide eyes close for a moment, searching.
a smile creeps across her face,
like the pained setting of the sun.
raising her head, she gazes to the sky,
her hands outstretched before her.
an offering. a silent plea.

she was five and he was nine.
it was winter, and the silent snow
began to cloud the earth.
her little tongue protruded from her mouth.
violent red against the innocent white.
tiny flakes landed, resting from their journey
only to whiter away as she exhaled.
she heard the groaning compression of snow behind her
and turned to see her brother’s face.
his nose was pink, his grin was unforgettable.
he grabbed her hand and-
and-
. .
.. . .
...
. ..... .
. ...
. ..
.

the flurries continue their plummet,
their sparkling beauty almost seems to wink to her
as they sink past.
she feels the Cold slithering its way up her spine
and the notion of loss throbs more prevalent
with the death of each flurry.

one simple, little tear
shining obstinately against her skin admits the truth.
the veil is ripped before her,
yet no light shines through.
no revelation. only loss.
her heart quickens as she falls to the ground
desperately reaching, grasping…hoping…
nothing.
so much more than nothing.
something that once was.
something that once was, and now forgotten.
she cries, “please, please not yet…”
but Nature continues its course.
the sinking Enemy reaches the base of her skull
and burrows inside.
her gentle hands begin clawing at the air,
choked with flurries.
Her flurries.
and now they are dying. melting from the earth,
stolen from her by that Torturer.

she curls into a perfect, submissive ball.
“please…anything. anything but those.”

I remember...

I remember about a year ago, I was lost.


I had been with a guy for four years. I thought he was the one. We were absolutely perfect, or so I thought. Life was everything that I wanted, until he told me that there was someone else...

I was crushed.

It was like I lost myself. When he left, it was as if a part of me was gone, and I would never get it back. Months, upon months, I couldn't smile. I would just crumble on the stairs and fall into a fit of tears. but as time went on...I picked myself back up...

What I really, really regret, was showing him the pain. I would call him. I tried to stay friends with him, and it was the worst thing that I could have ever done to myself. Looking back, it was like I was going through a drug withdraw, you are so happy with it, and then the months after you lose it, you want to die...and every time you go back to it, letting it go just gets harder and harder...


Sometimes, letting go of the ones you love the most, is the best thing you can do.


I know it may be hard...hell, I still can tear up at the thought of him, and it has been over a year since I have seen him.

It is just that...in those months after we broke it off, I would call, and almost beg him to come back, I would cry...and then, the next morning, feel like shit. It was killing me, yet every time that I called and talked, I was so happy...until the conversation would turn, and make me look pathetic...again.

So just let go.

One day, either your love will wake up and realize what happened, and how they were wrong...so wrong...

or...

someone new will appear. They will whisk you off your feet, and take you away from all the pain, and you can never stop smiling, or laughing...and each time you think about the one who broke your heart...it hurts a little less...and a little less...

I still miss him. I mean...I use to believe that you only fall in love once...but now, I can't believe that. If that is true, then my quota is filled and I am fucked. haha...

There is no limit to love. Each time someone breaks your heart, just pick up the pieces and walk away. They were not worth it. You are better than that. You may not think it now, but you will see...

it just takes time.

.

arg...

So today kinda stunk...

I went to get my medicine refilled, and my new insurance won't accept it, so...no medicine for my stomach, which means getting sick every time I eat...

and then I get my lab results back from when I went to the hospital back in Kansas, and I found out that I now have a heart condition and need to see a neurologist when I go back home for some "uncertain results pertaining to your brain"...

wtf.

haha, oh well...I should have got a warranty on my body.

other than that, I found out about a wonderful new thing called Pandora radio. Yup, listening to a lot of Regina Spektor and other random people...

oh! and I am going to start doing photography again...and try to paint...I really miss that stuff. I wish I had majored in the fine arts like I wanted to, instead of economics...



sometimes you have to give up what you love when you grow up...I wish it wasn't true.

Hi...

So...here's the deal. I think it is time to start writing. I mean...I don't think I am any more special than anyone else out there, and in all honestly, I don't expect anyone to ever read this...

I am the girl with the run-on sentences that may whine about her life ever once and a while. I'm the girl who will laugh till she cries, and who will dance in the rain when no one is watching. I am the girl who is so scared of people, that she can't bring herself to make new friends in a completely new place.

so this will be where I will write. I hardly speak on a daily basis, outside of phone calls, maybe I need a place to spill...my head often gets so full of thoughts, that when someone actually does say "hi" in my general direction, I freak and hide behind the nearest tree...

yeah. it's a problem...


so...there ya go. and here is my life.