super sleeeeepy.
super tired.
hehehe, over the hedge.

grawr.

tomorrow, i continue my evil paper, and chug coffee, nom nom nom...or...gulp gulp gulp?

and this time next week, i will finally be reunited with my puppy!!!!!!!!! which is my main excited reason for going home.


yup yup!

tehehehe, i'm gonna miss you.

How is karma fun and entertaining?



My eyes have started to suck, and I can't see so good...sooo...



An eyeclass company contacts (no pun intended) me asking for me to shoot for them a few ads, and what do I get in return?



money and a pair of designer glasses.



sometimes, life loves me.





sometimes...it doesn't. Like not getting adorable Daisy, see below.





This crushes my heart a little. I need a new aussie to be my little puppy's friend! grrrrr.

you are my sweetest downfall.

a year and a half later...

Farewell
So long…
I was wrong, I guess.
I miss the way you…
The way you would dance with me.
So easy, so smooth…
I miss the way you…
The way you would sing with me.
So off-key, so beautiful…
I miss the way you…
The way you would laugh with me.
So wide, so white…

I never asked you for…
A fancy dress to wear.
A dinner for two.
A afternoon with you…

And all I got was just this…
A broken heart from you.

I still love you. I always will.

I'm sad I lost you. I'm sad that you did what you did. But I will always love you, no matter what happens. If there is only one for everyone out there, you were my only, my only one.

but smile. things will get better.

Is there really beauty in the breakdown?

South Carolina sucks. Not because it is South Carolina, but simply because I have no one here. No one who is truly, honestly, here for me. and that sucks.

I just want the year to be over, so I can go back to my friend in Kansas. As pathetic as that sounds. I just need it to be summer, so I can start working for those 9 thousand dollars to be able to come here again next fall.

But...it just sucks. How ever sad I am, it doesn't matter. No one really cares, they only care about their own problems. I will go out of my way, no matter how down I am, to make sure that my friends are okay and not hurting too badly (there is only so much someone can do).

But, when it boils down to it, I have no one who will come by and lend a smile, or be willing to just sit and listen to music, or anything like that. And it sucks, because I know that a lot of it is my fault, because I can't make friends very easily, and the ones that I do make always end up being shallow, and only really truly caring about themselves.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What do you do when you can't let yourself go? When you lose who you are to the whirls of standards, and expectations, how do you find yourself again? How do you find someone who will take you as you are, someone who sees you for who you are and not wish for a single thing to change?

How do you not push them away?

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

toy soldiers.
midnight hide-n-seek.
the creek.
abandoned.
screams.
fists and bruises.
gone, thank god.
years.
down.
perfect.
absolutely perfect.
loss.
gain.
rape.
alone.
found.
hatred.
down.
perfect.
love.
cheat.
so, so, so far down.
up?
rape.
down.




lost.



so when was the trust lost, and why do the tears come so easily. Why, girl who prides herself in being so strong, why do you cry so easily when you think of him? He is gone. He was your one. He was the perfect one. You lost him. good job.

where do I go from here?

My not-so-happy post.

I didn't realize it until tonight, but I'm still hurting from my ex doing things to me that should never be done to any girl. ever.

and then my mother calls, and we all know how that ends. screams, cussing, beautiful shit.

so, along with burning all images of my ex, and ripping up a journal from him, I also decided to fucking murder the bear he gave me.

I am still really pissed, and really hurting. I didn't know I still hurt. Not from missing him, oh god no, but from what he did to me. It makes you feel so weak, so helpless. I hate it.

the murder weapon.

I got so mad that I broke off the tip of the knife.

heh...

this is my not happy post. sorry...

fuck.

I will attack that woman.

today:

wake up.

eat breakfast.

take cake to mother.

get trapped at mother's work.

leave.

die due to headache.

wake up at 7.

eat dinner.

eh...

my brain keeps dying.

I have an idea.


oh dear...so...about thirty minutes has passed since I wrote that "I have an idea". damn. It seems like it was a good one too.

It is odd, but I have re-written this post about four times now. There are things I want to say, but I can't. And it is silly, because no one reads this, so I should be able to just blurt out my life, but that seems a little ridiculous to me.

why do people even keep blogs. why the hell do I?

conflicted.

damn.

you know the sad thing? I think I started making it so that I would not forget everything that happens to me, because that happens a lot...yeah, my memory is going a lot faster than they said it would. which sucks.

so, uhmm...in that case,

spring break has been okay. Headaches are worse here than in SC. stupid. My puppy is fat. I was sad. I put her on a diet. now she is sad too.

i love pandas.

pandas don't love me.

it is a vicious cycle.

this is the end of my pointless post.

Grawr!

tehehehe...

"grawr"

hehehe...

super cute picture of the day!

ahhh!!!!! that is the official face of "grawr"

and now, for my cake I made in cake class:

yay cake! hehehehe

"chi wo"

"eat me"

super cute picture of the day!

you should youtube "knut baby polar bear" he is sooo cute!


other than that...


I have decided to start coming out of my shell...or...try to come out of my shell...it is not working all that great, but I will get there...fear not!

oh! and I am making my second cake for my cake class (pictures tomorrow!)...yup yup!


I don't think that most people appreciate what they have in life.

like, for me...I don't have a lot, and a lot of really bad stuff has happened in my life, but I do have a brother who loves me, and a super cute puppy (pictured below), and sometimes that is enough.

love what you have, for you may not have it tomorrow. Do not strive for more if you can not appreciate what you already have...don't do it. it is bad.

and this is my super cute puppy...

devil puppy

puppy!

awwwww

angry puppy!

happy puppy!

YAY PUPPY!

stupid deleted post.

grawr.

I made a suuuper wonderful post last night...and then accidentally killed it.

you should be sad.

But, in a nutshell:

Weekend: Fayetteville w/ brother.
went to bar: Taylor no like bars.
got to sleep at 4 am each night/morning: Taylor= exhausted.
sad and worried for brother...pray for him.
Played super mario...dominated.


yes. This is what has happened.

and then I went on to say that I thought it was funny that all my friends are either in other states or I only talk to online, and how slightly pathetic that was...

hummm....I think that is all?

yes. and in one week my brother goes away, and in two weeks I go away... :( / :)

blarg. yup yup, this is all...golly, I need a more exciting life.

CAKE

YAY CAKE!!!

it is for my brother, because he is getting his wisdom teeth taken out this weekend...This is my first cake that I have decorated!

BOO!

it's rainy outside...

I like it.

I wish I had rain boots so I could go and be a kid and jump around in the puddles!

oh wells.

I get to go visit my brother this weekend, so that should be fun...

yeah. My life is boring this week. blah.

I still want a baby panda. yes. yes I do.

wow...sucky valentine's day. Try and beat this one:

Here is my valentine's day...

I fly out to see my boyfriend (with a plane ticket I paid for)

I wake up with a headache, so I spend the majority of the day laying in bed with an ice pack on my head, while he sits on the computer...I ask him if he wants to curl up and watch a movie, so I can keep the ice pack on my head and try to get better by dinner time. He says no.

around 7 I get up to start making our dessert (A cookie cake) and then go back to lay down when it is finished. 8 o'clock rolls around and he has yet to start making dinner...

then...all of a sudden, he comes into the room and hands me a rose. I am very happy, and I say thank you very much. He just shrugs.

He then starts getting mad and telling me that I am unappreciative and pessimistic and all of this stuff...he then says "I'm done." and slams the door shut.

I'm confused...I didn't do anything...I don't know what is going on...so I get up and get on the computer, call the shuttle service to take me to the airport (it is now about 10 o'clock at night, and my flight is at 11 o'clock the next day). While I am looking, he comes back in, starts cussing at me and starts telling me to get the fuck out of his house. He just wants me the fuck out.

I look at him and say "I'm working on it. Just back off."
He then says that he will drive me to the airport. So, I say okay, and we get in the car and head off.

While we are in the car, he calls a girl and starts talking about me to her and is laughing and saying that he really fooled me, and he pulled the wool over my eyes the whole time, and all this stuff. I found out that he had been cheating on me for quite awhile...

half way there, he stops at the gas station to "fill up". He gets out and then stands there, and gets back in and starts yelling at me. "get the fuck out of my car. I don't fucking care anymore, get the fuck out." ...

I ask him what the hell is going on, and he hits me.

so...I get out. He drives off. I am stuck in downtown LA, no ride, no money, nothing.

so I start to walk to the airport.

I get there around midnight and get my flight changed to an overnight flight back home.

wow...I don't know what happened...it was all so strange...he just flipped out.

so...what have I learned?

A plane ticket to LA: 220 dollars.
A movie for two in LA: 20 dollars. (which I had to pay for)
Learning your boyfriend is a lying, abusive bastard: priceless.

I did a lot of growing up this weekend. It really sucks, but it is time to move on. I mean...I can't really be sad about it...just confused and pissed off.

plus...I'm the best thing that will ever happen to him. and he knows it.

I thought I was invincible.

I was wrong.

I thought I could handle it.

I was wrong.

I wish I had been right.

I will wait for the consequences.

sick...

uugh.

3 am...puke fest. 102 degree temperature.

9 am...98 degree temperature, acks, but I still go to class...

1:30 pm... 99.6 degree temperature...yet I have to go take a Chinese test at 2.

blah.

me sick. me sad. me pathetic.

haha, fear not! I will get better...hopefully.

Panda obsession...

He has got a lil' fro going on...

Sleepy panda...

awwwwww

he's just cute. Look at his lil' ears!

hahaha

ppst...I see you!

awwww....

hehe

panda attack!!!

okay...sorry. I am obsessed with pandas. I have been for about a week, so bear with me. haha...bear.

cakes, let downs and insane asylums

so...a wonderful decision was made today, a sad occurrence, and a creeptastic adventure.

So...first off, I know that I am scared of going out in public and all that jazz, but today I just let myself down...extremely. I was looking forward to going to this print demonstration at this gallery for about a week or so, I even had a post-it stuck on my wall to remind me. So...an hour before, I start getting really nervous about going, because I don't know who will be there, or how many people, etc...so, I decide that to ease my freak-out, I'll take my camera with me, and go take pictures first...

Little to be said, I sat a few car spaces down from the entrance to the gallery for about an hour, and failed to get up the courage to go inside. I went home.

I hate constantly letting myself down. I just don't have the courage to go do things with other people around, and I don't have any friends that can be like "oh, get over it, and come on." ...so...I don't know what to do. All I know is that I am bummed now.

besides that...the creeptastic adventure...here is my story, and you can think that I am lying, or whatever you would like...but holy crap, this is true.

so...I am driving around, taking pictures before trying to go to the gallery demonstration, and I fall upon this decrepit complex. Of course, for a silly photo-geek I am like "awesome! old buildings!!!" so, I get out of my car and start walking around...and I swear, I don't really know how to explain this, so I will try my best, but I started hearing un-humanly human noises, but I knew that they were only in my head, but that I was not making them, and there was nothing physical around me that was making the noises either...so...that started freaking me out a little...and then this emotion, which I can only describe as "heavy" started coming over me, like, making it hard to breathe, but I was breathing fine.

ack. I know, it sounds so silly, but at the time, I thought that this whole thing was an old school, and it had been condemned. But after getting all these weird feelings (which at the moment I was chalking up to me being crazy and just thinking that things were awkward) I had to leave. I just got scared. I couldn't find the way that I had come in, so I left a different way, and on my way out, I looked back and saw the sign "Department of Mental Health, Psychiatric Institute"...

yeah...odd. I know, it all sounds so silly, and I really don't believe in ghosts, and I still don't. I now just think that emotions can stick to a place, and you can still feel them, even after the people are gone. Maybe I am crazy too...hehe

A side view of the main building..

One of the random out buildings that was near the main fenced in complex. Do you see the face?

looking inside the complex...a little off to the left is a red swing set...everything was fenced in

The welcome sign when you enter off of Bull street

Okay, and the best news for last! I finally signed up for a cake decorating class. I know, I am a loser, but come on! What else is a girl who is too scared to even go into a gallery going to do with her life? haha, so I am really excited. My dream in life is to own my own wedding cake business, and just create awesome cakes all day, and paint in my free time. Yeah...silly, but it sounds perfect to me. hehe...

25 things...

1. I believe that McCarthy was put on this earth to create beautiful literature exposing the hideous acts of humanity.

2. Even the idea of speaking to someone I don't really know scares me beyond reason.

3. I wish I had money to be fashionable...or...not to wear a sweatshirt every day of my life.

4. I refuse to be with someone who will not love me for who I am.

5. Each passing day, I realize more and more that I hate my major. I just want to make art...but you have to grow up, right?

6. I am most at peace at night, staring up at the stars, or underwater.

7. I miss my brother.

8. sometimes I have the urge to careen my car off the side of the road...but then again, who doesn't get that urge?

9. I believe one of the most attractive characteristics in a man is the ability to be compassionate and show it.

10. I believe I am an outcast in my own dorm building. which sucks. but I don't do anything to make it better.

11. I have made no real friends since moving, and it hurts. But I don't see that changing.

12. A few nights ago, it rained when I woke up at 3 am. So I went outside and laid down for an hour.

13. I will push you away if you get close.

14. I live inside my head.

15. I hate, with a passion, the color orange.

16. My dream in life is to own my own wedding-cake shop, and paint in my free time. It hurts to think that might never happen.

17. My puppy is freakin' awesome.

18. I roofed a house in 110 degree heat.

19. I have never really worked anywhere besides a coffee shop.

20. I will save a panda and live in China for at least a year.

21. When I was younger, I believed anything my brother told me...which was a bad thing to do.

22. If I could, I would live in an art studio and paint my life away.

23. I have no idea what I will be doing a year from now.

24. I think that Americans are some of the most disgusting people on the face of the earth.

25. I pray every night for fear that if I don't, I might lose someone I love.

PANDIE BEAR!!!

Awww...smiling yet?

how 'bout now?

sleepy panda...

silly panda!

These made my day.

So you know when your life is spiraling downward and you can't stop it. And no matter what you do, nothing ever changes. Nothing ever goes right. You may be blinded for a little while by the happy parts, but ultimately...it all falls to shambles.

Memories

flurries of desperation flutter before her.
tiny, ivory hands reach out,
a glow of hope radiates from her once naïve, green eyes.
she is blinded by the veil of youth.
they float, gently cascading around her body.
she cries with glee, her voice shattering the perfect still.
jumping, she grasps hold of one,
yet it vanishes as if on wings of soft pity.

a gasp. a tiny shiver. a slight feeling of loss.

her wide eyes close for a moment, searching.
a smile creeps across her face,
like the pained setting of the sun.
raising her head, she gazes to the sky,
her hands outstretched before her.
an offering. a silent plea.

she was five and he was nine.
it was winter, and the silent snow
began to cloud the earth.
her little tongue protruded from her mouth.
violent red against the innocent white.
tiny flakes landed, resting from their journey
only to whiter away as she exhaled.
she heard the groaning compression of snow behind her
and turned to see her brother’s face.
his nose was pink, his grin was unforgettable.
he grabbed her hand and-
and-
. .
.. . .
...
. ..... .
. ...
. ..
.

the flurries continue their plummet,
their sparkling beauty almost seems to wink to her
as they sink past.
she feels the Cold slithering its way up her spine
and the notion of loss throbs more prevalent
with the death of each flurry.

one simple, little tear
shining obstinately against her skin admits the truth.
the veil is ripped before her,
yet no light shines through.
no revelation. only loss.
her heart quickens as she falls to the ground
desperately reaching, grasping…hoping…
nothing.
so much more than nothing.
something that once was.
something that once was, and now forgotten.
she cries, “please, please not yet…”
but Nature continues its course.
the sinking Enemy reaches the base of her skull
and burrows inside.
her gentle hands begin clawing at the air,
choked with flurries.
Her flurries.
and now they are dying. melting from the earth,
stolen from her by that Torturer.

she curls into a perfect, submissive ball.
“please…anything. anything but those.”

I remember...

I remember about a year ago, I was lost.


I had been with a guy for four years. I thought he was the one. We were absolutely perfect, or so I thought. Life was everything that I wanted, until he told me that there was someone else...

I was crushed.

It was like I lost myself. When he left, it was as if a part of me was gone, and I would never get it back. Months, upon months, I couldn't smile. I would just crumble on the stairs and fall into a fit of tears. but as time went on...I picked myself back up...

What I really, really regret, was showing him the pain. I would call him. I tried to stay friends with him, and it was the worst thing that I could have ever done to myself. Looking back, it was like I was going through a drug withdraw, you are so happy with it, and then the months after you lose it, you want to die...and every time you go back to it, letting it go just gets harder and harder...


Sometimes, letting go of the ones you love the most, is the best thing you can do.


I know it may be hard...hell, I still can tear up at the thought of him, and it has been over a year since I have seen him.

It is just that...in those months after we broke it off, I would call, and almost beg him to come back, I would cry...and then, the next morning, feel like shit. It was killing me, yet every time that I called and talked, I was so happy...until the conversation would turn, and make me look pathetic...again.

So just let go.

One day, either your love will wake up and realize what happened, and how they were wrong...so wrong...

or...

someone new will appear. They will whisk you off your feet, and take you away from all the pain, and you can never stop smiling, or laughing...and each time you think about the one who broke your heart...it hurts a little less...and a little less...

I still miss him. I mean...I use to believe that you only fall in love once...but now, I can't believe that. If that is true, then my quota is filled and I am fucked. haha...

There is no limit to love. Each time someone breaks your heart, just pick up the pieces and walk away. They were not worth it. You are better than that. You may not think it now, but you will see...

it just takes time.

.

arg...

So today kinda stunk...

I went to get my medicine refilled, and my new insurance won't accept it, so...no medicine for my stomach, which means getting sick every time I eat...

and then I get my lab results back from when I went to the hospital back in Kansas, and I found out that I now have a heart condition and need to see a neurologist when I go back home for some "uncertain results pertaining to your brain"...

wtf.

haha, oh well...I should have got a warranty on my body.

other than that, I found out about a wonderful new thing called Pandora radio. Yup, listening to a lot of Regina Spektor and other random people...

oh! and I am going to start doing photography again...and try to paint...I really miss that stuff. I wish I had majored in the fine arts like I wanted to, instead of economics...



sometimes you have to give up what you love when you grow up...I wish it wasn't true.

Hi...

So...here's the deal. I think it is time to start writing. I mean...I don't think I am any more special than anyone else out there, and in all honestly, I don't expect anyone to ever read this...

I am the girl with the run-on sentences that may whine about her life ever once and a while. I'm the girl who will laugh till she cries, and who will dance in the rain when no one is watching. I am the girl who is so scared of people, that she can't bring herself to make new friends in a completely new place.

so this will be where I will write. I hardly speak on a daily basis, outside of phone calls, maybe I need a place to spill...my head often gets so full of thoughts, that when someone actually does say "hi" in my general direction, I freak and hide behind the nearest tree...

yeah. it's a problem...


so...there ya go. and here is my life.