you are my sweetest downfall.

a year and a half later...

Farewell
So long…
I was wrong, I guess.
I miss the way you…
The way you would dance with me.
So easy, so smooth…
I miss the way you…
The way you would sing with me.
So off-key, so beautiful…
I miss the way you…
The way you would laugh with me.
So wide, so white…

I never asked you for…
A fancy dress to wear.
A dinner for two.
A afternoon with you…

And all I got was just this…
A broken heart from you.

I still love you. I always will.

I'm sad I lost you. I'm sad that you did what you did. But I will always love you, no matter what happens. If there is only one for everyone out there, you were my only, my only one.

but smile. things will get better.

Is there really beauty in the breakdown?

South Carolina sucks. Not because it is South Carolina, but simply because I have no one here. No one who is truly, honestly, here for me. and that sucks.

I just want the year to be over, so I can go back to my friend in Kansas. As pathetic as that sounds. I just need it to be summer, so I can start working for those 9 thousand dollars to be able to come here again next fall.

But...it just sucks. How ever sad I am, it doesn't matter. No one really cares, they only care about their own problems. I will go out of my way, no matter how down I am, to make sure that my friends are okay and not hurting too badly (there is only so much someone can do).

But, when it boils down to it, I have no one who will come by and lend a smile, or be willing to just sit and listen to music, or anything like that. And it sucks, because I know that a lot of it is my fault, because I can't make friends very easily, and the ones that I do make always end up being shallow, and only really truly caring about themselves.

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What do you do when you can't let yourself go? When you lose who you are to the whirls of standards, and expectations, how do you find yourself again? How do you find someone who will take you as you are, someone who sees you for who you are and not wish for a single thing to change?

How do you not push them away?

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toy soldiers.
midnight hide-n-seek.
the creek.
abandoned.
screams.
fists and bruises.
gone, thank god.
years.
down.
perfect.
absolutely perfect.
loss.
gain.
rape.
alone.
found.
hatred.
down.
perfect.
love.
cheat.
so, so, so far down.
up?
rape.
down.




lost.



so when was the trust lost, and why do the tears come so easily. Why, girl who prides herself in being so strong, why do you cry so easily when you think of him? He is gone. He was your one. He was the perfect one. You lost him. good job.

where do I go from here?

My not-so-happy post.

I didn't realize it until tonight, but I'm still hurting from my ex doing things to me that should never be done to any girl. ever.

and then my mother calls, and we all know how that ends. screams, cussing, beautiful shit.

so, along with burning all images of my ex, and ripping up a journal from him, I also decided to fucking murder the bear he gave me.

I am still really pissed, and really hurting. I didn't know I still hurt. Not from missing him, oh god no, but from what he did to me. It makes you feel so weak, so helpless. I hate it.

the murder weapon.

I got so mad that I broke off the tip of the knife.

heh...

this is my not happy post. sorry...

fuck.

I will attack that woman.

today:

wake up.

eat breakfast.

take cake to mother.

get trapped at mother's work.

leave.

die due to headache.

wake up at 7.

eat dinner.

eh...

my brain keeps dying.

I have an idea.


oh dear...so...about thirty minutes has passed since I wrote that "I have an idea". damn. It seems like it was a good one too.

It is odd, but I have re-written this post about four times now. There are things I want to say, but I can't. And it is silly, because no one reads this, so I should be able to just blurt out my life, but that seems a little ridiculous to me.

why do people even keep blogs. why the hell do I?

conflicted.

damn.

you know the sad thing? I think I started making it so that I would not forget everything that happens to me, because that happens a lot...yeah, my memory is going a lot faster than they said it would. which sucks.

so, uhmm...in that case,

spring break has been okay. Headaches are worse here than in SC. stupid. My puppy is fat. I was sad. I put her on a diet. now she is sad too.

i love pandas.

pandas don't love me.

it is a vicious cycle.

this is the end of my pointless post.

Grawr!

tehehehe...

"grawr"