Is there really beauty in the breakdown?

South Carolina sucks. Not because it is South Carolina, but simply because I have no one here. No one who is truly, honestly, here for me. and that sucks.

I just want the year to be over, so I can go back to my friend in Kansas. As pathetic as that sounds. I just need it to be summer, so I can start working for those 9 thousand dollars to be able to come here again next fall.

But...it just sucks. How ever sad I am, it doesn't matter. No one really cares, they only care about their own problems. I will go out of my way, no matter how down I am, to make sure that my friends are okay and not hurting too badly (there is only so much someone can do).

But, when it boils down to it, I have no one who will come by and lend a smile, or be willing to just sit and listen to music, or anything like that. And it sucks, because I know that a lot of it is my fault, because I can't make friends very easily, and the ones that I do make always end up being shallow, and only really truly caring about themselves.

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What do you do when you can't let yourself go? When you lose who you are to the whirls of standards, and expectations, how do you find yourself again? How do you find someone who will take you as you are, someone who sees you for who you are and not wish for a single thing to change?

How do you not push them away?

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toy soldiers.
midnight hide-n-seek.
the creek.
abandoned.
screams.
fists and bruises.
gone, thank god.
years.
down.
perfect.
absolutely perfect.
loss.
gain.
rape.
alone.
found.
hatred.
down.
perfect.
love.
cheat.
so, so, so far down.
up?
rape.
down.




lost.



so when was the trust lost, and why do the tears come so easily. Why, girl who prides herself in being so strong, why do you cry so easily when you think of him? He is gone. He was your one. He was the perfect one. You lost him. good job.

where do I go from here?